i’m a daytime person though this is an up-all-night realm. and ever since my college days, that silly fact has been yet another source of insecurity, and another truth about myself that i’ve feebly attempted to defy. but no more. i am a sunshine person, a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed waker-upper, a ‘don’t want to miss the morning’ person. Continue reading
she walked in here with the awkward confidence of a person who doesn’t apologize for her quirks, but giggles about them, which makes me want to be her best friend. she’s not particularly anything- not super hip, put together but not very well, sort of like she just rolled out of bed and tried to rewear what she wore the day before because she didn’t care to try today. no one would say she was graceful, but she could probably walk from point a to point b without falling. probably. she seems… happy. comfortable. Continue reading
my mom told me i should write something funny this week, but i don’t feel like it. nothing feels very funny lately. except my attempts at teaching my dog to throw away yogurt containers and trying to convince a 2.5 year old that she can pull her pants up by herself. those things are pretty funny. Continue reading
it’s full-on spring. new leaves have turned, the weather’s certainly as bipolar as ever, closets have been raided and sold back to buffalo exchange, itchy eyes and sneezing fits indicate that the flora is sexually active, i want to be barefoot all the time, everyone seems to have ants in their pants, and most things feel fresh and renewed.
so i’ve been making a lot of small, subtle changes lately. and ok, maybe the changes haven’t really been made, but the goals to make changes have begun to be set. and as a person who utterly loathes being wrong or failing in public, i think it’s a great idea to air my little efforts for the ‘world’ to see and judge me about. i think it will make me try harder. or it will make me disappear from the internest entirely, which could be better for everyone! so here’s what i’m up to.
trauma gets me thinking. thinking gets me writing.
so here i am to tell you in a very roundabout way about a minor trauma i experienced lately.
while i may not look like it, and i may not be what one would call ‘avid’ about it…. i am a runner, and have been for awhile now.
(don’t worry, the irony of posting a blog with this title is not lost on me.)
i am not good at secrets.
though my mother asserts that i was an incredibly private child, somewhere along the line i lost all discretion and became the boisterous, snarky far-from-ladylike creature i am now. Continue reading
i haven’t been working on anything.
i haven’t been researching…haven’t been chewing on any particularly crunchy concepts…haven’t been wrestling with any behemoth-like ideas…haven’t been dreaming up fantastical tales to capture the attentions and imaginations of the masses.
i haven’t been working.
i have been distracted. Continue reading
once a year my mother, the most adorable human being on the planet, challenges her class of squirrelly 9 year olds to think about their futures. if there’s anything i’ve declared, it’s that planning for the future is not something i like think about. ever. so when my mother recently left me in authority over the 4th grade hooligans, and tasked me with the responsibility of supervising their little LIFE PLANS… i thought maybe….just mayyyyybe it would be fun to think of my own. which was difficult. because i first had to decide if i even wanted to be old someday. Continue reading
i have never wanted to grow up. at least, not since it started being something that seemed like it might actually happen. when i was little, i remember that my greatest goal in life, other than being a dolphin trainer at seaworld, was to someday be older than my big brother and sister. they tried to explain to me that that is not how it works, but i wouldn’t have it. i was bound and determined to be the big sibling. and that’s how i learned at a young age what it feels like to fail at the only thing you really want in life. ;) (living abroad has made me far too dependent on emoticons.)
but somewhere along the way, and i think i’m finally starting to understand when,a switch was flipped. my life has become a perpetual battle against the thought of being a grown up. i dug my heels in one day and decided i would never leave childhood. not for anything. not for anyone.
and it’s been lovely! being young and dumb is fantastic. diving in and climbing up high, all these things are wonderful! all these things feel like me. ‘if growing up means it would be beneath my dignity to climb a tree, i’ll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up! not me!’
but then sometimes i hear that echoing question from a dream… when he asked faintly, ‘hannah, what are you doing?’ Continue reading
sometimes i can pretend to be a normal, well-adjusted, not crazy nerd person. but then sometimes i go to readings/book signings of my favorite fantasy author, and the whole facade of normalcy just instantly burns away as my peculiarity rises from its smoldering ashes like a phoenix. Continue reading